Did I say "Year of Adventure?!"

Surprise! I managed to write a startling 2 entries in nearly a year. Consistency has never been my strong suit.

Well, the 'year of adventure' has turned into much more.

In February of 2012, Andrew received a job offer with the 9th Circuit Court in Anchorage. He begins his new job clerking for Judge Morgan Christen on September 4th. It's a year commitment, which means I'm in Alaska much longer than planned.

I began my "real life" here by working for the Anchorage Daily News as an Account Executive, starting in November of 2011. It was a wonderfully unique experience that led me to a number of very talented people. Working in advertising sales was an entirely new experience, but I was able to connect with the community in a way few other jobs could provide. I learned my way around Anchorage very quickly.

Working at ADN also allowed me to realize that all jobs are stressful, regardless of location. I suddenly had very tangible metrics to assess my performance: sales goals, monetary incentives, public sales figures, and more. Failure WAS an option, a public option. And thus, I realized that perhaps the most stressful part of working is my approach to work.

So fearful of failure, I am often consumed by work. It's especially poignant while working in sales. Sales performance is my life's most tangible barometer. It is easy to devote all my time and energy into work because if I fail at work, it will be very obvious. If I get a C- in my personal life, it's likely no one will notice. I'm a great actress; I've been faking personal success since I was a kid.

Most people's fear of failure is unfounded or related to low self-esteem. I blame mine on a history of numerous failures. It's not because I'm incapable, it's because I've allowed myself to fall short. I take responsibility for that.

However as a child, it was very apparent that failing at my job was not okay. My parents never got fired. They both rose from the bottom of large companies and became the rare corporate success stories. To add insult to injury, my sister always did well in school. She is a highly compliant first child. I was not.

And why? I have always led a very hedonistic lifestyle. Unlike some, I very rarely do things I don't want to do. No one ever convinced me it was important enough, and thus I didn't find the traditional markers of success gratifying.

Enter my 20's and suddenly success, both academic and professional, have been as addictive as drugs (though not nearly as fun). I moved to Alaska thinking New York was a success-obsessed city and I realized it was actually me; I care too much about success. I've gotten worse as I've aged, abandoning the person who used to rebell against expectations. I am terrified of being flawed. I think that if I appear perfect, I am impermeable to the inevitable scrutiny and criticism of others.

I now work for Groupon, heading their sales in Alaska. It's a company I really love. I'll avoid speaking about work for obvious reasons, but work is certainly a major part of my life. If only I could find a way to have a life and do well at my job... that combination always seems far too ambitious.

Here's to a year of greater balance and a greater life. And to being kind to myself, honoring my well-being as a person.

xo amanda